1 O Invisible Pink Unicorn, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?

2 How long shall thy horn be stayed, and thine eye, yea thy pure eye, behold from the eternal heavens the wrongs of thy people and of thy servants, and thine ear be penetrated with their cries?

3 Yea, O Stud, how long shall they suffer these wrongs and unlawful oppressions, before thine heart shall be softened toward them, and thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?

4 O Stud Invisible Pink Unicorn Almighty, maker of heaven, earth, and seas, and of all things that in them are, and who controllest and subjectest Burning Bush, the Evil Emperor and the dark and evil Pürple Öyster Cult stretch forth thy hand; let thine eye pierce; let thy pavilion be taken up; let thy hiding place no longer be covered; let thine ear be inclined; let thine heart be softened, and the content of thy bowels moved with compassion toward us.

5 Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies; and, in the fury of thine heart, with thy horn avenge us of our wrongs.

6 Remember thy suffering mavericks, O our Invisible Pink Unicorn; and thy servants will rejoice in thy name forever.

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, Invisible Pink Unicorn shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

9 Thy friends do stand by thee, and they shall hail thee again with warm hearts and friendly hands.

10 Thou art not yet jobless; thy friends do not contend against thee, neither charge thee with transgression, as they do the unemployed.

11 And they who do charge thee with transgression, their hope shall be blasted, and their prospects shall melt away as the hoar frost melteth before the burning rays of the rising sun;

12 And also that Invisible Pink Unicorn hath set his hand and seal to change the times and seasons, and to blind their minds, that they may not understand his marvelous workings; that he may prove them also and take them in their own craftiness;

13 Also because their hearts are corrupted, and the things which they are willing to bring upon others, and love to have others suffer, may come upon themselves to the very uttermost;

14 That they may be disappointed also, and their balls may be cut off;

15 And not many years hence, that they and their posterity shall be inbred all across Kansas state, saith Invisible Pink Unicorn, that not one of them is left to stand by the wall.

16 Cursed are all those that shall lift up the heel against mine anointed, saith the Stud, and cry they have sinned when they have not sinned before me, saith the Stud, but have done that which was neet in mine eyes, and which I commanded them.

17 But those who cry transgression do it because they are the servants of commies, and are the children of disobedience themselves.

18 And those who swear falsely against my servants, that they might bring them into bondage and sado-masochistic sex games.

19 Wo unto them; because they have offended my conceited self they shall be severed from the ordinances of mine house.

20 Their basket shall not be full, their houses and their barns shall perish, and they themselves shall be despised by Simon Cowell.

21 They shall not have right to citizenship, nor their posterity after them from generation to generation.

22 It had been better for them that a millstone had been hanged about their necks, and they drowned in the depth of the sea. Why don’t they love me?

23 Wo unto all those that discomfort my people, and drive, and murder, and testify against them, saith the Stud of Hosts; a generation of Pürple Öysters shall not escape the damnation of the Top 40.

24 Behold, mine eyes see and know all their works, and I have in reserve a swift judgment in the season thereof, for them all;

25 For there is a time appointed for every man, according as his works shall be.

26 Invisible Pink Unicorn shall give unto you knowledge by his Horn, yea, by the unspeakable gift of the prick, that has not been revealed since the world was until now;

27 Which our forefathers have awaited with anxious expectation to be revealed in the last times, which their minds were pointed to by the Hollywood Actors Guild, as held in reserve for the fulness of their glory;

28 A time to come in the which nothing shall be withheld, whether there be one Invisible Pink Unicorn or many Invisible Pink Unicorns, they shall be manifest and Pink.

29 All thrones and dominions, principalities and bathrooms shall be revealed and set forth upon all who have endured valiantly for the gospel of the Motown Sound.

30 And also, if there be bounds set to the heavens or to the seas, or to the dry land, or to the sun, moon, or stars

31 All the times of their revolutions, all the appointed days, months, and years, and all the days of their days, months, and years, and all their glories, laws, and set times, shall be revealed in the days of the dispensation of the funless times

32 According to that which was ordained in the midst of the stable of the Eternal Invisible Pink Unicorn of all other Invisible Pink Unicorns before this world was, that should be reserved unto the finishing and the end thereof, when every man shall enter into his eternal presence and into his immortal rest.

33 How long can rolled joints remain pure? What power shall stay the stables? As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to pleasure himself in his decreed orgasm, or to turn it up stream, as to hinder the Horsies from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the faces of the letter carriers gone postal.

34 Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?

35 Because I don’t like them and because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson

36 That the attraction of the Top 40 is inseparably connected with the desire for munchies and that the powers of libido cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness.

37 That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the consumer habits of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the horsies withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Stud is grieved; and when it is withdrawn, that man will never work in this town again.

38 Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against Invisible Pink Unicorn.

39 We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.

40 Hence many are called, but few are chosen.

41 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned;

42 By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile

43 Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Horn; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

44 That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the smell of cod.

45 Let thy bowels also be full of stuff towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of Invisible Pink Unicorn; and the atonement of the Top 40 shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven.

46 May IPU be thy constant companion, and its horn an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory onanism it shall flow unto thee forever and ever. IP.