1 Hearken, O ye people of my washroom, saith the voice of him who shat on high, and whose eyes are upon all men; yea, verily I say: Hearken ye people from afar; and ye that are upon the islands of the sea, listen together.

2 For verily the voice of the IPU is unto all men, and there is none to escape; and there is no eye that shall not see, neither ear that shall not hear, neither vagina that shall not be penetrated.

3 And the rebellious shall be pierced with much sorrow; for their iniquities shall be spoken upon the housetops, and their secret acts shall be revealed in the National Enquirer.

4 And the voice of warning shall be unto all people, by the sounds of my farts, which I have released in these last days.

5 And they shall go forth and none shall smell them, for I the IPU have commanded them.

6 Behold, this is mine authority, and the authority of my servants, and my roll of toilet paper which I have given them to wipe unto, O inhabitants of the earth.

7 Wherefore, fear and tremble, O ye people, for what I the IPU have decreed in them shall be wiped.

8 And verily I say unto you, that they who go forth, bearing these smells unto the inhabitants of the earth, to them is power given to sing both on earth and in heaven, the greatest hits and the Top 40 songs;

9 Yea, verily, to shut them up unto the day when the fart of IPU shall be poured out upon the wicked without measure

10 Unto the day when the IPU shall come to recompense unto every man according to his work, and measure to every man according to the measure which he has measured to his fellow man or unto any other measure which will ensure that 10% of white male Americans get 90% of the rewards while the rest fight for scraps or otherwise.

11 Wherefore the sound of the farts of the IPU is unto the ends of the earth, that all that will hear may hear:

12 Prepare ye, prepare ye for that which is to come, for the IPU is nigh;

13 And the anger of the IPU is kindled, and his sword is bathed in heaven, and it shall fall upon the inhabitants of the earth.

14 And the horn of the IPU shall be revealed; and the day cometh that they who will not hear the voice of the IPU, neither the voice of his servants, neither give heed to the words of the singers and troubadours, shall be cut off from among the people;

15 For they have strayed from mine ordinances, and have broken mine everlasting covenant;

16 They seek not the IPU to establish her righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own kallisti, whose image is in the likeness of the world, and whose substance is that of an idol, which waxeth old and shall ba cancelled, even Bob Barker the great, shall be taken off the air.

17 Wherefore, I the IPU, knowing the calamity which should come upon the inhabitants of the earth, called upon my servant, you, and am speaking unto you through the internet and am giving you the lyrics for my song;

18 And also gave contradictory lyrics to others, that they should proclaim these things unto the world; and all this that it might be fulfilled because I guess I hadn’t taken good notes myself.

19 The weak things of the world shall come forth and break down the mighty and strong ones, that man should not counsel his fellow man, neither trust in the arm of flesh

20 But that every man might sing the song of the Invisible Pink Unicorn the Stud, even Roseanne, Barney the pürple dinosaur and his Pürple Öyster Cult Band or Agro;

21 That faith also might increase in the earth;

22 That mine everlasting covenant might be established;

23 That the fulness of my gospel might be proclaimed by Motown artists unto the ends of the world, and before my judges Simon, Randy and Paula.

24 Behold, I am Invisible Pink Unicorn and have spoken it; these lyrics are of me, and were given unto my servants in their weakness, after the manner of their language, that they might come to understanding.

25 And inasmuch as they erred it might be made known;

26 And inasmuch as they sought wisdom they might be instructed;

27 And inasmuch as they sinned they might be chastened, that they might repent;

28 And inasmuch as they were humble they might be made strong, and blessed from on high, and receive knowledge and a blow job from time to time.

29 And after having received the latest record from Elvis, yea, even my servant U2, might have power to translate through the mercy of IPU, by the power of IPU, the hit “Can’t help falling in love”.

30 And also those to whom these words were sung, might have power to lay the foundation of this pleasure dome, and to bring it forth out of obscurity and out of darkness, the only true and living pleasure dome upon the face of the whole earth, with which I, the IPU, am well pleased, speaking unto the charts collectively and not individually

31 For I, the IPU, cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance;

32 Nevertheless, he that repents and sings the words of the song of the IPU shall be forgiven;

33 And he that repents not, from him shall be taken even the light which he has received; for my Spirit shall not always strive with man, saith the IPU.

34 And again, verily I say unto you, O inhabitants of the earth: I, the IPU, am willing to make these things known unto all flesh;

35 For I am no respecter of persons, and will that all men shall know that the day speedily cometh; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand, when peace shall be taken from the earth, and the Pürple Öyster Cult shall have power over his own dominion.

36 And also the IPU shall have power over his saints, and shall reign in their midst, and shall come down in judgment riding radiowaves upon the world.

37 Search the lyrics of the song, for they are true and faithful, and the prophecies and promises which are in them shall all be fulfilled.

38 What I, the IPU, have spoken, I have spoken and I excuse not myself; and though the heavens and the earth pass away, my song shall not pass away, but shall all be fulfilled, whether by mine own voice or by the voice of my servants, it is the same.

39 For behold, and lo, the IPU is Invisible and Pink and the spirit of the radio playeth her record, and the record is true, and the truth abideth forever and ever. IP.