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.Spinning Chao.
Discordian Koans
or
The Te Chings of Chaos

Prepared by Hooflonj Poo Atma-Windu, MRNET,
Legionnaire of the Grand Cabal of the

Immanentizers of the Grenzsituationen
.
Chaos (Calligraphy)

Koan I - Crossing the River

  Once upon a time,
A young, buxom, beautiful, Blonde student of Discordia
Heard of a wise teacher of the Erisian Mysterees
That liveth beyond the river
On her quest to enlightenment she travelled far and wide to visit this wise teacher

Upon reaching the river, the teacher was awaiting the student on the other side
The teacher a young, buxom, beautiful, Green Eyed Redhead

Upon seeing the teacher on the shore of the river
The Blonde student of Discordia called up
"Oh! Wisest of all teacher, tell me how am I to get to the other side
So I can benefit from your teachings"
To this the teacher replied
"But you already are on the other side!"

Upon hearing this, the Blonde student was deeply annoyed

Blonde Student Eyes
 

Koan II - The Essence of Identity

Three students of Discordia
A Blonde, a Green Eyed Redhead and a Shaven Head Dyke
Travelling through inhospitable lands
To seek a learned teacher of the Erisian mysterees

Afraid that they could be attacked while lay sleeping
Resolved to keep guards in turn
During her wake, the Green Eyed Redhead
Proceeded to shave bare the Blonde student's head

When awoken for her tour of duty
The Blonde student felt her head and said
"Oh! What a Thuddite brain you have Green Eyed Redhead
You woke up the Bald Headed Dyke instead of me"

Upon hearing this, nobody was enlightened
But the Green Eyed Redhead did get a good laugh

Crazy Diamond
 
 

Koan III - The Naked Truth Is Oft Buried Under Heaps of Gossip

A young, buxom, beautyful, Blonde student of Discordia was aggrieved
She had misplaced her Loompanics edition of the Principia Discordia
And, for all the highlights in her hair, could not figure out to find it
Having looked all over her abode with no success, she proceeded to look for it outside
Our Blonde student being a child of nature,
Always naked when abiding in her abode was
Distressed as she was upon her loss, failed to put any clothes on she had
Upon the wind slaming shut the door
She realised she was stranded outside, naked and without her key

She proceeded to climb through the bathroom window
Easy to force open, the window did obtemperate
Against all warnings from the sage Malaclypse the younger
Proceeded to pray to Eris Kallisti Discordia for help
Then upon looking down on the bathroom's magazine rack
She seized sight of her Loompanics edition of Principia Discordia
Buried under piles of gossip magazines

A few days later, to our young, buxom, beautyful Blonde student of Discordia
Came sniveling her young, buxom, beautyful Green Eyed Redhead roommate
"What should prevent happiness from flowering into your heart like a lotus"
Uttered the Blonde student of Discordia
"My dildo I cannot find where is" articulated the Green Eyed Redhead

"Don't grieve Green Eyed Redhead roommate, if your dildo find ya wanna
Doff off, step outside without key and garments,
Climb in through the bathroom window, make a prayer to Eris,
And under pile of gossip magazines your dildo shall be"

Upon hearing this the Green Eyed Redhead was not enlightened
But she proceeded to surreptitously conceal the Blonde student of Discordia's
Loompanics' edition of Principia Discordia while she was looking away
With a purpose of hiding it away quite skillfully

Gossiping Lips
 

Koan IV - I Can See Clearly Now

Jonas, the last survicor of the continent of Atlantis,
Unknowingly met Eris Kallisiti Discordia while she was incarnate in the land of Thud
Upon staring into Eris' green eyes and stealing a peak at eternity
Jonas addresssed Eris
"Someone who is blind doesn’t see black
Only existence allows for there to be meaning
The universe is everywhere we go and everywhere we see
There is no place where the universe is not"

Annoyed at Jonas' high pitched voice
Eris turned him blind

Henceforth Jonas shouted:
"Everything has turned to black
I can't see, all is black"
Upon which Eris cooly retorted to Jonas
"Don't panic, just look within with intent"

Jonas paused and a smile came upon his face
In a calmed voice he said
"I can see clearly now"
"I can see nothing"

I can see clearly now (sun through clouds)
 
 

Koan V - Take the Load Off Of Your Tired Ass

My business is important and my travels many
My baggage is heavy and my ass is strong
But towards midday it slows enough from the load to cost time
Oh Eris! I seek your counsel
How can I ease the burden of my tired ass

Eris said forth: Take the load off your tired ass and put it on your shoulder

So I took the load off of my tired ass
Threw it unto my own shoulder
With the weight on my shoulder alightened for the carry ass
Proceeded thus forth to climb on my ass for and travel on

Universal Rights
 
 

Koan VI - Neither the Wind Nor the Bottle of Beer

The wind was blowing on the open end of an empty beer bottle
A melody dansed on the air: CouRouCouCouCouCouCouCou
Two drunks arguing
One said the wind was singing
The other said the bottle was singing

Jonas, the last survivor of the continent of Atlantis, happened to walk by
Jonas interjected: "It is neither the wind not the bottle that is singing
It is the alcohol that is in your blood

Far from enlightened, the two drunks got annoyed at being so interrupted
And proceeded to beat the living daylights out of Jonas

Man holding sign saying: Need cash for alcohol research
 
 

Koan VII - A Tongue to Talk Wisely
A Tongue to Talk Dirty

The Blonde, the Brunette and the Redhead students of Discordia asked the master
"Master, the chaos has granted you to speak of the wisdom of the universe,
But is there anything else your tongue can do"
Upon hearing this, the Master closed the lights

Shortly, the Blonde, the Brunette and the Redhead students were enlightened
 
 

Koan VIII - One Swallow Makes Twelve

Twelve young, buxom, beautyful, Blonde students of Discordia
Coming back from a lesson with a learned teacher of the Erisian Mysterees
The youngest, most insecure, to say in her siren's voice
"Twelve a coming we were, tweleve a going we should ensure we are"
So the twelve blondes proceeded to count
How many friends each one was travelling with
Eleven friends each one counted
The oldest, most wise, to say in a broken voice
"For all the highlights in my hair what a calamity. One of our sister astray has strayed!"
As in one voice all to chant: "Hail Eris! All hail Discordia!
Anything the world demands for our wayward sister us to find!"

A traveller overhearing of the plight of the twelve Blonde Students of Discordia
In all charity by their side dismounted his mount with offer to service
"Oh fairest of all, shall I be so daring as to pretend, thiesen angst I can alighten"
The oldest, most wise, to reply in a broken voice
"Anything the world demands to Goddess Eris we offered,
Anything you demand will only be fair retribution"
The youngest, most insecure, to say in her siren's voice
"Anything"

"If thiesen young, buxom, beautyful, Blonde students of Discordia
shall all take a bite of my sausage all in turn
The twelfth one, the lost one, the last one, shall swallow the sausage"

Fair and nourishing this offer seemed to the twelve Blonde students of Discordia
One by one and counting they all bit the fine young man's sausage
One, two, three. four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven
The twelfth one, the supposedly lost one, the last one, the youngest one
Bit and swallowed on her turn

As in one voice all chanted:  "Hail Eris! All hail Discordia!"
Our wayward sister has been found"

As the tweleve Blonde students of Discordia went on their merryway
The opportune helper got the living daylights beaten out of him
For the husbands of the Blonde students of Discordia had come to greet them
And had taken offence to this stranger's offering of his sausage

Oh! travellers of the wonders of this world beware
Shall Eris ever offer you something that seems to good to be real
It means it surely is too good to be real

Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

12 Blonde Students of Discordia
 
 

Koan IX - Don't Kill Bugs

Everyone hates bugs! But why kill them? Just cause ya hate something is, like, no reason to kill it. Like... if everyone killed all that they hated, where would we be? There would be no one here! Because sooner or later, no matter how good you are, someone hates you, and will think of you as a bug!

- A sermon by Brother Elron McKenzie

Mug Shot of Brother Elron McKenzie
 
 

Koan X - The Way Out Is Not Always the Way In

A Blonde student of Discordia pleasingly tanning in the heat of Brother Sun
Noticed an untoward occurence in the back land of her humble Beverly Hills abode
A Bull jumped over the fence marking her territory, horns and all
An uninvited guest, a bull, horns and all
"Why this bull came to jump over my fence I do not care
But, for all the highlights in my hair, off of my backyard I will see it"

She procured the assistance of eleven other Blonde students of Discordia
In an attempt to lift the bull over the fence wence it had came forth

A Green Eyed Redhead witnessing the plight of the Blonde students of Discordia
Uncharacteristically, couldn't but resist to offer friendly advice
"Why don't the gate to your fence you open rather than have the bull raised over it"

Upon hearing this, the Blonde students of Discordia were enlightened
Never had it come to their mind that getting rid of an horny intruder
Could be as easy as opening the gate to let it out
 
 

Koan XI - Tantric Enlightenment

For a Blonde student of Discordia
Tantric enlightenment comes from opening the car's door
 
 

Koan XII - Prosecutors Will Be Transgressicuted

A dedicated but forgetful Blonde student of Discordia
Couldn't for all the highlights in her hair remember the Te Chings of the Pentabarf
Her Green Eyed Roommate instructed her
"Daily would I go see the Episkopos and repeat after her when I was a novice"
That seemd to make sense to the Blonde student
"I will seek the Epsikopos and repeat after her" resolved the Blonde student

Upon seeing the Blonde student coming towards her, the Brunette Episkopos greeted
"Hello" said the Episkopos, "Hello" repeated the Blonde student
"How are you?" said the Episkopos, "How are you?" came as a reply
"Are ye seeking me?" said the Epsikopos, "Are ye seeking me" was echoed to her
"Ha! Ha! Very funny! What is your business with me?", Guess what?

Upon twenty three such exchanges in five minutes
The Brunette Epsikopos contemplated the furthest reaches of her infinite patience
And proceeded to send her poodle running with intent to bite

Back home, out of breath, the Blonde student addressed the Redhead roommate
"Daily you were doing this? Whew! You are in better shape than I thought"
 

Koan XIII - Bloodsuckers

The mosquito who finds a good vein faces three faiths

      He can taste what he needs and fly away in search of a new vein
      He can get greedy and awaken the Mosquito Gods an be swapped flat by it
      Or, shall the Gods not anger and his greed not rescinde
He can gorge on the good vein and actually blow itself up

Capitalism behaves like a mosquito, what fate will you choose
 
 

Koan XIV - Punishments of the Gods

When you step on an ant hill
The maggots think the Ant Gods angry and fear for the end of the world

When the storm hit New Orleans
White fundamentalist Americans thought it was a punishment of God
When disaster strikes, fundementalists think like maggots
New Orleans will be rebuild, very classy, very chic
Poor peoples dead or relocated to other ghettos

Capitalism strives on destruction
Like maggots strive on heaps of excrements
 
 

Koan XV - Over and Out

One wondered what could be done about the Middle Orient "Situation"
One thought it could be settled overnight

In time, the last mutated sentient being to have been what used to be called Human
Is writing these lines and getting ready to sign off.

Signing off: We had fun. We amused ourselves to death.
Over and out
 
 

Koan XVI - I Pass It On

    And God said: I am the Word, Thou shalt not ...
    And Jesus said: Love thy neighbor but do not coveth his wife
    And Buddha said: Mu
    And Allah said: Smitten the infidels
    And Joseph Smith said: Marry unto your cousins for they are so cute
    And Elohim said: Rael is nuts if he thinks we're coming back for him
    And the Invisible Pink Unicorn said: You look at me, and you do not see me,
                                                                    you name me 'the invisible'
    And Eris Kallisti Discordia said: Would you be so kind as to get me a cup of Joe.
                                                            Doesn't anybody sleep in on Sundays anymore?

I pass it on
 
 

The Eternal Koan
The Rock Is Still Rolling

 Despite so many ordeals
My advanced age and the nobility of my soul make me conclude that
All is well

- Albert Camus
With all due respect

 

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