Let me please introduce myself for I am a man of wealth and taste. I have stood naked in front of man and or and/or woman and have been found to be human and not a cabbage. I have bowled and I have been enlightened onto Discordianism upon revelations by Goddess Eris Kallisti Discordia through Pineal Gland and or and/or Appendix Transcommunication by proper paratheobiological pineo-appendix neurodiscordant quantum pathways. I have no aspirations to elevation or subgenius and have been found to be sub-normal in all but one trait, that being of having acquired the capacity to über-standardize normality through a part-time mail-in Ph.D. in Economical Eschatology from Fucking University, Austria, producing a dissertation on the Eschatology of Apple Corps at the semblance of dreams (i.e. off the marsh from Okeefenokee), under a student grant from Microsoft whom, I suspect, suspected Apple Corps to refer to a competitor which I shall not mention for sake of brevity. Actually, it would have been faster to write the name of the competitor than to write « for the sake of brevity » but – as in everything the seasons change - and I shall remain sub-normal in everything including my writing and brevity skills which I would rather perceive as terms of endowments, myself. (Pardon my English, it is my second language and third tongue but spell checker is good to me).

I am Episkopos RALPH RADIX FENDERSON McKENZIE ETAL, KFC, Polysexcretariate to The House of the Rising Hodge For the Bureaucrassy (THRHFB). My English speaking friends call me RRFMEtAl, my dog calls me ruff, and my childhood friends do not call me anymore. My real name is Romeo but you can call me Joe, ’cause I like the name. My life is a sexually transmitted disease.

For the sake of brevity, once more, I will remain short since I am working in front of a window and my neighbor’s daughter is minor cum laude. The daughter of my neighbour’s on the side where my home as no whatchamakalit is on the other end very major labia cum loud, hey! So, if you don’t mind I will peer to that side while I work. Gimme a minute to turn around here. FNORD! I forgot, no watchamakalit on that wall! I love exclamation marks, Karl Marx, and my non-watchamakalited-side-of-the-house neighbour’s daughter’s slit skirts and rounded rye buns – (She has a bread maker and was arrested for counterfeiting 3 dollar bills. Guess how they figured how they were fake? I told her it would have been more worthy of her while to print more than just 3 but she said she only needed fare for the bus and did not know XeroxingFNORD copying dollar bills was illegal. I also told her not to replace the president’s face with a picture of Dubyu but she says she sincerely thought bills were printed with the current president so, since it was a 2005 print, she figured some guy at National Mint had mixed up his Georges.) - among other things and or and/or everything else being kept equal. Now reread this sentence without the bracket if you want it to make sense. There.

Being sub-normal in all but one trait, that being the capacity to über-standardize normality acquired through a part-time mail-in Ph.D. in Oeconomical Eschatology from Normal University, Illinois, producing a dissertation on the Eschatology of Apple Corps at the semblance of dreams (i.e. off the plains of the Okenagan) under a student grant from a Bathroom Tissue producer company (ÜberSoft, I think), I did not get enlightened and wawakuned to Discordianism upon first meeting Goddess. I merely thought she was a rather hot chick. It is only upon returning home that I realised what had hit me. Yes! It was a DWI hit and run FNORD! But I am getting ahead of MYSELF here and I can hardly suffice to handle ME anymore. Cumming! Back on tracks.

I was in the woods.FNORD Or, It was in the woods? No! No! No! I’m still a man not a thing (for now) so sorry for this discordant  note but here we go … I was in the woods collecting mushrooms, roots and shrubs. Coincidentally just beside the girl scouts camp where my watchamakalit-side-of-the-house neighbour’s daughter coincidentally was. Did I mention this was serendipitiously coincidental? Well, it was. So suddenly, I coincidentally accidentally find a peekaboo bush peering right in front of my face. Peekaboo bush -><-. I thought to myself : « That’s it, I’m going in for an unwilling and accidental major misdemeanor with a minor », buttFNORD but to my surprise, the PUNGENT smell was clearly that of experience. Sigh of relief! (and Oh! Beloved exclamation mark!) If there is one thing a sub-normal individual does not want to do is commit a serious major minor misdemeanor unwillingly!!! Upon Schmoelling  that labia, a SWEET taste of ORANGE came to my lips and BOOM! I was PRICKLEd! (Lo and behold, thoust narrator whilst that momenth liveth, connoissance not hadt that the funf Bayesic elemenths of which alst watchamakalits are composeth exposeth to thoust hath. For, lo and behold, thoust narrator upon, inside and at that momenth was con for tably living upon land of Thud and FNORDth couldnth then yet seeeth and - Yes! Oh! Serendipitous Agony of thoust - thoust was (and still iseth) working 9  to 5 for the governeth mint . Upon seizing sight uponeth this most marvelous of all beauties  and knowingly having stolen kiss from her minor and major lips, I seized uponeth my Romeo soul all the wit that ever inhabited governementh working soul sub-normal in all but one trait, that being of having the capacity to über-standardize normality through a part-time mailed-in Ph.D. in Anamystikal Eschatology from Pussy University, La Lécheuse département de Savoie, France, producing a dissertation on the Eschatology of Apple Corps at the semblance of dreams (i.e. off of Lake Pipicaca) under a student grant from Betty Crocker and or and/or Betty Ford, I expressed an interjection to this woman : « Chalist! S"tie! », and then some more, « S'cusez ». She answered : « Yes, I am Eris Kallisti Discordia.» The Goddess (Lo and Beholdth tho that Goddesseth she isseth knowesth thoust nought) was happily surprised to be called upon « Kallisti  » by one she knew was not initiated in anything but sub-normality and governmenth work. She is Goddess and Goddess knows these things. Though happily coincidental on my part to say so, I must confess it was just a big blunder on my part. I was actually expressing myself to her in my current dialect of the moment which was a derivative form of French called Joual  (which would translate in English as Horse – go figure!). Basically, I was swearing. Swear words in Joual are all religious words – from the Catholic slash and or and/or Christiane F. persuasion on top of it – Godzilla save us all from the wrath of King Kong who perished for our sins! - But hey! It turned out good, didn’t it? All this to say, it turned out I made a good first impression.

Having studied and obtained three philosophiae doctorate submitted mildly modified to the universities of Fucking, Austria, Normal, Illinois, and Pussy, France,  I know I don’t have a freakingFNORD fuckingFNORD chance at pussy as long as the girl is normal. So, I figured « Goddess or not, already got a tatse of the candy, one minute on the lips, half an hour on the hips! » Man I tell you, she smelled PUNGENT but her down-under taste of SWEET ORANGE gave me a BOOM PRICKLE so I thought : « Might as well try to macketh the best of it given all around only are girl scouts. I`m not getting any action any other way any way no way man any other way would have given me action any way unless I get into major minor misdemeanor which in no way I want to get into way anyway man so I’m already tripled philosophiae doctorae so neither more minor nor major needeth I anymore so I`m thinking in my thought : "Hey! let’s make the best of it any way." » Long story short, I unfortunately did not think or think in my thoughts these thoughts but I actually said it aloud for all my intentions, no pure they were I confesseth, to be overheard by Goddess loud and clear. So she said : « Man, you have a way of talking to women. Do you really ever score with such a crappy half-ass attitude?» Hey! Reader! Yes you! I’m talking to you! Why do you think I did introduce myself as sub-normal just for fun, what do you think here? Calm down! Calm down! Inner peace! Anger management! Anger management! Do not get angry at the reader! Not good for the rest of the book! Ok! Where was I? Anger management? Darn! I am writing the wrong book Here! Back to meeting the Goddess.

Good thing is, that, although  my very deficient talkativeness and frequent conversations kill, a Goddess always sort of find a way to monopolize the conversation anyway . It figures, she did not come from wherever it is Goddess comes from just to hear me say :

- Your father must have been a thief , ‘cause he stole all the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
- My father is a God and he created the stars.
- FNORD!
- How dare you say FNORD to me!

Me and Goddess shared a few mushrooms – the ones that mother give you that don’t do anything at all – and drank the sap out of a few mandrake roots while talking movies, music and or and/or Jennifer Aniston  and upon the coming of her great grand cousin by marriage the Sun King, she gave me the following instructions :

- Go back now to your humble abode, sleep all day and do not go unto work .
- Fine I called in sick 22 days this month so I still have slack. That`ll be merely 23!
- Upon my great grand cousin by marriage’s departure, you will wawake.
- What is an abode?
- Are you turing me on?
- I sure hope so!
- Upon Wawaking, you will turn on your computer and watch it with your best friend.
- What do I do with my computer?
- You watch.
- Hum! Easy enough. With my best friend?
- Yes.
- I do not have a dog. I only have a cat?
- I know, She said and paused. And then she continued.

- Now, if you gotta go well you better go now. Go now. Go now.
- Hum! I go back to my abode and after sundown I watch my computer.
- Yes
- With my cat.
- Yes
- If I ask a stupid question next will you still say yes?
- (discontempt mumbling)
- Wanna make out? These shrooms ain’t much of a loot to brag about for a whole evening in the bushes beside a girl scout camp!
- You seriously have an issue with how you talk to women.
- Haven’t we been here before.
- You have always been here.
- Weren’t you suppose to say yes to that making out question?
- You don’t have that much charm when you don’t bury the boner, Rex.
- My name is Romeo, but you can call me Joe, ‘cause I like the name.
- I know your name Romeo. Go home. Go now.  Sleep all day, do not go into work. Wawake upon sundown and turn on your computer and then watch it with your best friend.

So I did. (As an aside, she was right about me and talking to women and I have seriously corrected myself since. ). I went home and did as I was instructed.
 

I slept all day.

I did not go into work

I Wawaked upon sundown.

I turned on my computer and it did not turn me on.

I watched my computer.

I was alone, nothing happened.

Then I recalled, she had asked me to watch it with my best friend. Darn! Now I wish I had a dog. I went into the kitchen and got to eat a stale hotdog bun – be easy on me here! I did not know then, was not enlightened yet! – I called my cat and had her come over to the room vherein layeth thoust ownereth computersth and I went on my merrieth ways watcheing ith. This was a task up to my abilities. Being sub-normal and working for the governmenth and triple Ph.Ded and all, and all, and all  … But my cat wouldn’t look. I figured :

- Hey! What is a cat to get from watching a computer?
- They like a good mouse but not that kind!

- Gee my bum is scratchy from all this sitting and my cat still sees nothing.

Then , I was enlightened!
 

Hi, my name is Joe.

I was enlightened.

Hi, my name is Joe.

I met the Goddess Eris Kallisti Discordia

I was enlightened.

Hum! now that you’ve forgotten that you weren’t interested anymore. On to my enlightenment.
 
 

As I was saying, And now on to my enlightenment.
 
 

I looked at my computer screen and I realised I was seeing nothing. Then I realised that, from a mathematical point of view, 0 = 1.
 

(Insert here the mathematical demonstration that 0 = 1, sorry it is misisng in action for now. My FNORD ate it.)

As most of you probably know, a computer stores information in a «machine language» which is basically composed only of ones (1) and zeroes (0). For example, one (1) is stored as 00000001 and zero (0) is stored as 00000000. Therefore, all knowledge of the universe, or at least all that can be stored on a computer, can be resumed to strings of ones (1) and zeroes (0) . However, if it could be mathematically demonstrated that 0 = 1 or that 1 = 0 then this would be quite revolutionary. Of course, everybody will agree with me that 0 = 1 is a non-sense statement. Zero (0) does not equal one (1). This would be just too ridiculous. If zero (0) were to equal one (1) , why would we bother not calling everything 0 and do without the 1 and vice in Verthaine. On the other hand, given everybody agrees with the mathematical demontsration above that demonstrated we can assuredly state, Ohio, that 0 = 1. This demonstration is flawless and cannot be in anyway contradicted, denied or otherwize challenged. Hail Eris! All Hail Discordia!

So basically all on computer is nothing but mere ones (1) and zeroes (0) and 0 = 1. Therefore, everything is the same and nothing is differentiated and if nothing is differentiated then all is the same. It’s like watching black people fighting in a tunnel or naked white people throwing snow balls in Antartica. If all the knowledge of the world can be stored on a computer but nothing on a computer is differentiated then all is nothing and nothing is everything. No matter which way you cut it – unless you cut it planetary pi (61) pieces of a pie of course  – you are left with nothing which is what I had been staring at for five days and five minutes without seeing it. Nothing. Mu.

Not nothing as in «there’s nothing there». No! No! No! Nothing as in «absence of being». What I did not know then and what you still don’t know now but that I was about to learn later and that you will learn if you go on reading is that, by standing there looking at my screen with my best friend for five days, I had accelerated to the speed of light. And then, in the first five minutes of the fifth day, I had surpassed the speed of light and by doing so, I had transmuted to a different state of being. I was now outside and beyond the universe to that place where Goddess exists. Now, that is groovy!

And this is when I met Goddess again. But this time, something had changed in me. This transcendent moment, this «experiencing» nothingness made me a better, bigger, hornier man and I then fully realized how she truly is a darn hot chick. And then she explained to me why she had brought me «there».

She had brought me to her home, because it was time that the missing tomes of the Principia Discordia finally be brought back together with her earlier offering to the realm of man. She explained to me that she had originally intended the Principia to be revealed to Lao Tzù, her first avatar. Unfortunately, she had seriously miscalculated the advent of computer sciences and had brought him a PDF copy which he, obviously, did not have the capacity to disseminate. So instead they went for sushi together.

Upon returing to her realm, Goddess realised she could not print a hard copy for Confucius because her printer was offline. She called the IT oracle but seeing she was out of Viagra they wouldn’t cum. By the time she had her Godscription renewed, the IT geeks¹  went on strike. Being slightly frustrated at this unfortunate series of events, Goddess figured she might as well sit it out and go for a hotdog. When news of a party to which she wasn’t invited came to her ears, she moved on to bigger and better things. But you know that story.

So the revelation of the Principia was slightly delayed due to these unforseen events. In this hiatus, Confucius died, Men of the earth fought one another, civilizations rose and fell, the middle ages came and hotdog buns, which are always delivered on Monday, went stale by Friday. Evolution went on its merryway and many, many, men went from YUPpy to WUPpy to SoUPpy².

Goddess, as many other pretenders to that title, feminized or otherwized, often visited the land of Thud and the realms of reality. Everybody loves a good sun tan and who never wanted to replace their analysts’ Rorschach cards with their family photogs.

Upon one night at the bowling alley, she overheard the following conversation :

- Solve the problem of discord, and all other problems will vanish. Ford MotorsFNORD.
- Indeed, chaos and strife are the roots of all confusion. Join the navyFNORD

Unfortunately, further tribulations awaited revelation of the Principia. Goddess had XeroxedFNORD reproduced a copy of the book for future dissemination. Unfortunately, her copy had gotten smeared with lipstick and coffee after a wild evening with Napoleon and Josephine. However, you know how women – even Goddess – are good with machines, she had not realised that the copy she had was two-sided. This translated in printing only the odd pages .

So basically that is where lo and behold little sub-nornal me comes in to save the dayFNORD carry on the Goddess’ plan  to spread her legsFNORD the Discordian word, and all, and all, and all.

I now bring to you as revealed to me through paratheobiological pineo-appendix neurodiscordant quantum communication the missing tomes of the Pricnicpia Discordia. They shall be known as: the Ommiterre Libellus.

====================================================================================
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Notes

1 (go back) Greek is the longest lived typo ever.

2 (go back) YUPpy: Young Urban Professional; WUPpy: Weird Urban Professional when midlife crisis hits; SoUPpy: Senior Urban Professional when all teeth have fallen and only soup will soothe.

3 (go back) This note does not belong here.