Bonnes Jokes

 


Vive le mariage!

A man comes home from work and finds his wife admiring her breasts in the mirror.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She replies, "I went to the doctor today, and he told me I have the breasts of a 25 year old."

The husband retorts, "Well, what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

She replied, "Frankly dear, your name never came up."


Réponse Existentielle..

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off. The egg mutters to no one in particular, "Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"


Joke d'Indiens

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him,
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a
cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "we were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"


Pour les garçons?

En sortant de l'école, un gamin de 8 ans rentre chez lui avec son ballon de foot sous le bras. Sur le chemin, il passe devant une petite fille du même âge et ne peut s'empêcher de la narguer: "Ah vous les filles, vous n'aurez jamais de ballons de foot. Car c'est juste pour les garçons..."

La petite fille rentre en pleurant à la maison et se plaint à sa mère. La maman, du genre MLF, s'en va immédiatement acheter un ballon à la petite fille qui, ravie, attend le lendemain avec impatience.

Le petit garçon repasse bien devant elle le lendemain mais sur un vélo tout neuf. Il lance à la gamine: "T'as peut-être eu un ballon mais jamais tu n'auras de vélo comme le mien. C'est un vélo de garçon ça..."

La petite fille retourne précipitemment chez elle pour se plaindre à sa mère. Celle-ci, comme la veille, n'hésite pas à prendre sa voiture pour aller acheter un vélo neuf à sa fille chérie.

Le lendemain, en repassant devant la petitefille, le gamin s'énerve en constatant qu'elle a réussie à obtenir un vélo neuf. Et, il baisse son pantalon en disant: "Ça au moins, aucune fille peut en avoir un pareil... C'est pour les garçons!"

La petite fille rentre une nouvelle fois en pleurant chez elle. Et le lendemain, le petit garçon repasse devant elle avec fierté en lui demandant: "Alors il y a des chose que ta maman ne peut pas t'acheter en ... T'en auras jamais ha ha ha !"

Et la gamine, soulevant sa jupe et exhibant ses parties intimes, répond: "Tu devrais mieux la fermer. Ma mère m'a dit que tant que j'avais ça, je pourrais en avoir autant que je voulais des comme la tienne ..."


Petite pause du jeudi après-midi...

Dans un lycée de jeunes filles, le prof de biologie fait passer un examen oral a ses élèves.

Il appelle "Bernadette" au tableau et lui pose la question suivante:

"Mademoiselle Dupont, quel est l'organe du corps humain qui, dans certaines conditions, peut multiplier sa taille par six ?"

Rouge de confusion et furieuse, la jeune Bernadette lui répond d'un air vexé: "Monsieur, je ne crois pas que ce soit la question la plus appropriée a poser une jeune fille... Croyez moi, mes parents vont en entendre parler."

L'élève regagne sa place et le prof se retourne vers une autre élève qui répond :

"Facile ; c'est la pupille de l'oeil dans la lumiere..."

"Très bien", répond le professeur avant d'ajouter:

"Quant à vous, Bernadette, laissez moi vous dire trois choses: D'abord vous n'avez pas appris votre leçon. Ensuite, vous avez l'esprit mal placé. Enfin, preparez-vous à la plus grande désillusion de votre vie..."


A little honey

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband wrapped her in a towel, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car, and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining the young woman, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice the insect out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her, and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The husband agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion.

"If neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstance, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered his prick with honey, and mounted the woman.

The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrusts continued for several long minutes.

"Hey! What the hell is happening?" the husband exclaimed.

"Change of plans," the physician panted. "I'm going to drown the little bastard!"


THEY TAUGHT THIS AT UNIVERSITY

Three men were standing side-by-side using the urinal. The first man finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used about 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented: I graduated from Harvard and they taught us to be clean.

The second man finished, zipped up and quickly wet the tips of his fingers, grabbed one paper towel and commented: I graduated from the University of California and they taught us to be environmentally conscious.

The third man zipped up and as he was walking out the door  had a smirk on his face and said: I don't know about you guys,  but where I went to college, they taught us not to piss on our hands.


LATE FOR THE EXAM

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class!

The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. 1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."  The student looked incredulous and angry.

"Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.


Old Golfer

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap.  Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the   green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball.  It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water  trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish  jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is  falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and  grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green  where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely   misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the  fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and  rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you  don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time.


Roger

C'est un gars qui s'appelle Roger et qui joue aux quilles et au volley-ball.Un samedi soir, sa femme decide pour lui qu'il devrait sortir car il est tout le temps occupe a faire ses sports la semaine. Elle l'amene donc aux danseuses. En rentrant dans le bar, le portier lui dit : * Salut Roger !

Sa femme, intriguee, lui demande s'il vient souvent ici, Roger lui dit que non, que c'est juste un gars avec qui il joue aux quilles. Rendus dans le bar, la serveuse vient le voir et lui demande : * Une grosse bleue comme d'habitude, mon Roger ?

Sa femme commence a pogner les nerfs et elle lui dit qu'elle le soupconne de venir souvent a cet endroit, Roger lui repond donc que non, que c'est juste une fille qui jouait au volley-ball avec lui. Deux minutes plus tard, la danseuse arrive et lui demande : * Une p'tite danse a dix comme d'habitude, mon Roger ?

Sa femme, bleu-marin, le sort du bar par le collet, elle l'embarque dans un taxi et elle commence a l'engeuler comme du poisson pourri. Le chauffeur du taxi se retourne alors et dit : * Wouin...........T' as pogne une ostie folle a soir mon Roger !


What's That?

A little boy and his parents are at the circus. The father goes to get some popcorn just when the elephant show starts. The little boy points and asks his mother "Mommy, what's that?"

To which his mother replies. "That's an elephant."

The boy says "I know that. I mean that."

And the mother says "That's his trunk."

And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that." The mother looks again to where he is pointing and says "That's its tail."

But the boy is not happy with that answer either. He points again and says "No Mommy, that."

The mother looks again and understands. "Oh that, that's nothing."

A few moments pass and the father returns with the popcorn and the mother runs off to the restroom. The little boy points and asks his father Daddy, what's that?"

To which his father replies. "That's an elephant."

The boy says "I know that. I mean that."

And his father says "That's his trunk."

And the boy again says "I know that, I mean that."

The father says "That's its tail."

The boy points one last time and says "No Daddy, that."

His father looks to his son and says "That's it's penis."

To which the boy says "Mommy says it's nothing."

The father leans back in his seat and sighs a bit and says "I've spoiled that woman."


THE QUESTIONS

One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there and was having a bad day since heaven was getting crowded When they get to the gate, St. Peter informd them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each will have to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?". St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guesses: "1228" "That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer: "Name them."


THE BUTLER DID IT

A wealthy couple had plans to go to an evening ball. So they advised their butler that they were giving him the have evening off to do as he pleasd since they would be out until quite late.

The couple went to a ball and dinner. After an hour an a half, the wife told her husband that she was horrible bored and that she preferred to go home and finish some work for the next stay.

The husband responded that he had to stay for a few more hours to meet some very important people who were his new business partners.

So the wife went home alone and found the the butler spread out on the couch watching TV.

She slowly moved towards hime and sat down very seductively. She then told him to come closer. Then even closer.

She moved forward and whispered in his ear "Take off my dress...".

"Now take off my bra.

"Next remove my shoes and stockings."

"Now remove my garter belt and panties"

She then looked deep into his eyes and in a sharp voice shouted "The next time I catch you wearing my clothes, you're fired".


Education

A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab, when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother replies, "Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work."

The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud. They're hookers!"

A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks, "Mummy, do the ladies have any children?"

The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think cabbies come from?"


Promotion?

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.

Sd/-
Project Leader

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER: That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the  report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines 1, 3, 5, 7, ... for my true assessment of him.

Regards,

Sd/-
Project Leader


Rod

A woman is picked up in a bar by Dennis Rodman, the famous basketball player, known for the wildly changing color and style of his hair.

They liked each other and the women went back with him to his hotel room. He removed his shirt revealing all of his tattoos and she saw that on his right arm was a tatoo which said, "Reebok".

She thought that was a bit odd and asked him about it.

Rodman responded, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement."

A bitlater, his pants came off and she sees "Puma" tattooed on his leg.

He gave the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, his underwear came off and the woman screamed and ran to the corner of the room.

Rodman said, "What's wrong?"

The woman remained quiet and just pointed at the tatoo on his penis which read "AIDS" . Finally she said, "I'm not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!"

He said, "It's cool baby, don't worry, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS".


Deoderant

A guy walks into a bar and two steps in, realizes it's a gay bar but says, "What the heck, I really want a drink".

When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?".

The customer says, "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink."

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you a drink until you tell me the name of your penis.".

So the customer says, "Allright, what's the name of your penis?".

The gay waiter says, "Nike...you know, JUST DO IT!".

The customer thinks for a moment and says, "The name of my penis is SECRET.".

The gay waiter says, "Secret?".

The customer says, "Yeah...STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!".


BARBIE

Ralph was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present.

He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?"

In a condescending manner, she says "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00".

Ralph asks, "Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"That's obvious" the sales lady says. "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture.


Blind Golfers

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!

(silence)

Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.

Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?


Vodka

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."  The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another  six double vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family  like women?"

"Yeah, my wife"


THE Professor

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "A double negative forms a positive.

In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."


For our million dollars...

A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here." The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you."

So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder... Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little." The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?"

And God replied, "In a second.


Got Grapes?

So this duck walks into a bar, waddles up to the front of the bar, looks at the bartender and says, "hey bartender, got any grapes? "The bartender says, "No, I don't have any grapes. This is a bar, we  serve liquor, not fruit" So the duck leaves.  The next day the same duck walks into the same bar, waddles up to the front and says to the bartender, "hey bartender, got any grapes? "The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, we don't have any grapes. This is a bar, not a fruit stand" So the duck leaves.

The next day the same duck walks into the bar again, waddles up to the front of the bar, and says to the bartender, "hey bartender, got any grapes?" By now the bartender is really annoyed with this stupid duck asking for grapes, so he says, "No, I don't have any grapes and if you ask me again, I'll nail your beak to the bar."

The next day the same duck walks into that same bar, waddles right up to the front of the bar, looks at the bartender and says, "hey bartender, got any nails?" The bartender says, "no" and the duck says "good, got any grapes?


Nice Ears .....

Bill rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..." He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!" She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not  sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes, or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!" Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."


Le Vieux et l'Ours..

An 80 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season.

But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle." "And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No".

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.