======================================================================< Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? -- The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? -- The woman who ate the last donut. What is the difference between a battery and a man? -- A battery has a positive side. ======================================================================< (from Fred Silver) - The Sign ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology." The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so the good doctors changed it to "Hysteria's and Posteriors." This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonies." Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives." Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds". Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Assholes." Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Queers and Rears", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either. They finally settled on "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends. ======================================================================< "I'd love to, but..." The man on television told me to say tuned. I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. There's a disturbance in the Force. I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. My patent is pending. I'm attending the opening of my garage door. I'm worried about my vertical hold. My plot for world conquest is culminating. I left my body in my other clothes. the last time I went, I never came back. There are important world issues that need worrying about. ======================================================================< REFLECTIONS OF A KISS A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints. Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2:00 PM. They gathered at that time and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them. The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean. The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick. That was the last day the girls pressed their lips on the mirror. ======================================================================< (from StarrJoan) - Shit, I Missed! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A Catholic Priest and a Nun were out having a round of golf. The priest stepped up to the tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and said, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie told him to watch his language. At the next swing he missed again, "Shit, I missed." "Father, I am not going to play with you if you keep swearing." The priest promises to do better. At the next tee he misses again, usual reply, "Shit, I missed." Sister Marie is really mad now and says, "Father, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that." At the next tee, the priest misses, swears, "Shit, I missed." Out of the sky comes a gigantic bolt of lighting, which strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks. Then the skies open up and a big booming voice says, "Shit, I missed." ======================================================================< (from Barbara Rosenberg) - 2 Guys and 2 Dogs ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two buddies were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other had a Chihuahua.As they sauntered down the street, the guy with Doberman said to his friend, "Let's go over to that bar and get something to drink." The guy with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just follow my lead." They walked over to the bar and the guy with the Doberman puts on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, buddy, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman pinscher?" The man said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figured what the heck, so he put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. He knew his would be more unbelievable. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The man with the Chihuahua said, "You don't understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua, looking surprised said, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a freakin' Chihuahua???" ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Lon Peper) - The Ethnicity of Jesus ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Scholars have long debated the exact ethnicity and nationality of Jesus. Recently, at a theological meeting in Rome, scholars had a heated debate on this subject. One by one, they offered their evidence......... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS MEXICAN: 1. His first name was Jesus 2. He was bilingual 3. He was always being harassed by the authorities But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS BLACK 1. He called everybody "brother" 2. He liked Gospel 3. He couldn't get a fair trial But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS JEWISH 1. He went into His Father's business 2. He lived at home until he was 33 3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS ITALIAN 1. He talked with his hands 2. He had wine with every meal 3. He used olive oil But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN 1. He never cut his hair 2. He walked around barefoot 3. He started a new religion But then there were equally good arguments that....... JESUS WAS IRISH 1. He never got married 2. He was always telling stories 3. He loved green pastures But perhaps the most compelling evidence ......... THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN ..... 1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food 2. He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who JUST DIDN'T GET IT 3. Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for him to do!! ======================================================================< A DAY IN THE KNIGHT A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asked the King. "Sire," replied the knight, "We have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West." "What?!?" shrieked the King, "I have no enemies to the West!" "Oh," paused the knight, "well, you do now." ======================================================================< Mariage After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, -You know, I was a fool when I married you. She replied, -Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn-t notice. A lady inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Husband wanted." Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine." The bride, upon her engagement, went to her mother and said, "I've found a man just like father!" Her mother replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?" A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late." First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive." ======================================================================< LEFT AJAR A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day, octogenarian reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained, "Well doc, it's like this...... First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing." "We even called up Earleen, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked, "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open!" Thanks Dick Landman ======================================================================< J O K E M A S T E R ' S H U R R I C A N E S U R V I V A L Q U I Z --------------------------------------------- 1. How are hurricane's names selected? a. Named after Congressmen who are full of hot air b. Names of spouses are submitted by divorced people c. Page 824 in Miami's phone book d. Hurricanes don't care what you call them 2. What do they call the most severe hurricane? a. Category 5 b. Red Alert c. Costly d. HOLY SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII 3. If a hurricane Guido, with wind speeds of 104 MPH leaves the Northwest African coast on Wednesday at 7:04 AM and is traveling West at 16 MPH and hurricane Isabel, with wind speeds of 93 MPH leaves Key West at 24 MPH on Thursday at 11:32 AM; when would they meet? a. Tuesday at 3:18 PM, but their luggage would be in Paris b. Never, Isabel doesn't want to have anything to do with a blowhard like Guido c. Never, Guido said that there's no place for Isabel to stop and ask directions; she'll probably end up in Rio d. Trick question - hurricanes don't depart from Key West 4. You're flying in a small, single engine plane. You look up and see a hurricane directly ahead. What's the first thing that enters your mind? a. It's got the right of way! It's got the right of way! b. This is the last time I fly no-frills c. I can't believe she's going to get EVERYTHING now! d. I gotta change my shorts! e. The windshield 5. A hurricane is dangerous if... a. you get in it's way b. it's had a REALLY bad day c. you try to stop it to ask directions d. you do not yield right of way 6. How do forecasters know a hurricane is coming? a. Hurricanes ALWAYS leave a forwarding address b. They have REALLY good binoculars c. Hurricanes LOVE the beach d. They send out a bunch of small boats and plot the sinkings 7. How can you protect your house in the event of a hurricane? a. Sell it - QUICK b. Bury it and dig it up later c. Cover it with leaves and pretend it's a big bush d. Two words -- Duct tape 8. What is the first thing you should do if a hurricane is confirmed to be heading in your direction? a. Check your supplies for the big hurricane party b. Air drop a roadmap, of another area, into the eye c. Put out all your trash for immediate air disposal d. Begin drawing plans for the new house you will soon be building 9. What should you NOT do if a hurricane is coming? a. Begin those remodeling plans you've been putting off b. Put the cat or dog out (unless on a LONG leash) c. Cancel your homeowner's insurance d. Go on a picnic, to the beach 10. When is it a good time to evacuate your home? a. When the water level reaches the roof b. When your in-ground swimming pool becomes airborne c. Shortly after your roof is declared a UFO d. When people ask how you constructed a home without outer walls 11. Where should you evacuate? a. A nearby lowland to wait out the floods b. A tall location, like on top of a radio tower or one of Florida's many mountain tops c. Anywhere that has a happy hour and free munchies d. Out to sea on a small craft 12. Why should you NOT stay close to the beach? a. All the best spots are probably taken b. Track in too much sand c. Cooler keeps blownin' away d. Hard to stay put under the 50' waves 13. If the eye of the hurricane passes overhead, you should not... a. stare; it's impolite b. make direct eye contact c. offer it some Visine d. ask if it's seen Dorthy and Toto 14. What happens after the eye passes? a. Stay very still; maybe it didn't see you b. It can't see you any more c. You can expect a large nose, followed by the mouth, etc. d. It winks and waves good-bye 15. What should you do first after a hurricane passes? a. Locate your computer b. Determine if your computer is operational c. Contact your insurance agent about replacing your computer d. See if your spouse, kids and pets are around; get back to your computer 16. Who should you turn to if you need help after a hurricane? a. Local government (also blown away) b. State government (can't afford to help) c. Federal government (doesn't care) d. Foreign governments (the Japanese are looking for investments) 17. What services should you expect to be without, after a hurricane? a. Electricity (no cold beer) b. Telephone (no modem) c. Your computer!! (Eeeeeaaaaahhh!) d. Callgirls (prey the rebuilding begins soon) 18. What happens a year after you're hit by a hurricane? a. Still looking for pieces of your house b. Still looking for pieces of your computer c. Still looking for pieces of yourself d. The government sees you've started rebuilding; concludes you need no emergency help gary guibor JokeMaster ======================================================================< : I AM AMERICAN.... : : I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or generally well-liked. : I don't live in a clean place, : I don't eat nutritiously very often, : And I abandon my car on the side of the interstate until the tires are : stolen. : I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg, Although I'm certain they : weren't American. : I drink watery beer. : I don't use utensils when eating. : I believe in guns for settling disputes, not discussions. : And I pronounce it AIN'T, not AREN'T. : I don't say "you're welcome" in response to "thank you" , I say Uh Huh". : I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack......until I go anywhere. : Burger King IS fine dining and Miss America is a virgin. : Ketchup IS a vegetable and WWF wrestling is real. : The UNITED STATES is the ONLY country in the world, The FIRST nation of : ignorance, : And the BEST part of South America! : My name is Johnny Bob Jimmy Joe Ray, I'm married to my sister, : AND I AM AMERICAN! ======================================================================< BROWN A Texan sat down in his seat in the plane, and turned to the fellow next to him: "Howdy, suh. My name's Brown, spelled B-R-O-W-N. Ah'm from Dallas, Texas. Ah'm 6-foot 3-inches tall. Ah'm white from th' top of mah head to th'tip of mah toes, and I hate the Irish." The little fellow turned to him, "Well now, how d'ye do. My name is Patrick Michael O'Donnell. I'm from Dublin, Ireland. I'm 5-foot 6-inches tall, and I'm white from the top o' me head to the tip o' me toes, except for me rectum, which is brown. Spelled B-R-O-W-N." ======================================================================< JUST LIKE DAVE A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave." "Who?" asked the passenger. "Dave Bronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like thaT to Dave." "There are always a few clouds over everybody," stated the rider. "Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star." "He was something, huh?" "He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood." "No wonder you remember him." "Well, I never actually met Dave." "Then how do you know so much about him?" The cabbie exclaimed, "I married his widow." Thanks Cap-O-Can ======================================================================< From The Files Of ELLEN CROCKETT EARLY MILLENNIUM VOCABULARY SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. SQUIRT THE BIRD: To transmit a signal to a satellite. STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. SWIPED OUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use. TOURISTS: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. Example: "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists." TREEWARE: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace. GOING POSTAL: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages. ALPHA GEEK: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. CHIPS AND SALSA - Chips = hardware, salsa = software. i.e.: "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem's in your chips or your salsa." G.O.O.D. Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again. IRRITAINMENT - Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials, Ally McBeal, Monica Lewinsky, Elian! etc. DEINSTALLED - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voice mail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of a deinstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance. (See also, "Decruitment.") **See also, "Decommissioned" VULCAN NERVE PINCH - The taxing hand position required to reach all the appropriate keys for certain commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key. Sometimes referred to as the "THREE-FINGERED SALUTE." YUPPIE FOOD STAMPS - The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We owe $8 each, but all anybody's got are yuppie food stamps." ASSMOSIS - The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss. BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who is responsible. SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps over everything and then leaves. SALMON DAY - The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream, only to get screwed and die in the end. CHAINSAW CONSULTANT - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands. CLM - Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a huge CLM. ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week." FLIGHT RISK - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon. 404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. Used as in: "Don't bother asking him ... he's 404, man." GENERICA - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions. Used as in: "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in." OHNO-SECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. UMFRIEND - A sexual relation of dubious standing or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Bridget, my ... um ...friend." BODY NAZIS: Hard-core exercise and weightlifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles. IDEA HAMSTERS: People who always seem to have their idea generators running. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the Couch Potato. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. ======================================================================< It's no wonder people have trouble with the English language... We polish the Polish furniture. In order to lead, one must get the lead out. The Farmer can produce produce. The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse. The soldier decided to desert in the desert. The present is a good time to present the present. He painted a widemouth bass on the head of a bass drum at the Army Base. The dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. The insurance for the invalid was invalid. The bandage was wound around the wound. The oarsmen had a row on how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The buck does funny things when the does are present. They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line. While planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number. I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... ======================================================================< TRUE COLORS Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass. Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352." This being the correct number, the shepherd was totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! Okay, I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "OK, now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back? ======================================================================< (from Jackie784) - Employee Performance ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ These useful quotes were reportedly taken from actual federal employee performance evaluations (sure): 1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig. 2. I would not allow this employee to breed. 3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be. 4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap. 5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet. 6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle. 7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy. 8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them. 9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. 10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better. 11. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together. 12. A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier. 14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime. 15. He's been working with glue too much. 16. He would argue with a signpost. 17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room. 18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell. 19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one. 20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection. 22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it. 23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 28. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 29. One neuron short of a synapse. 30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes. 32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. ======================================================================< (from Lon Peper) - Actual Answering Machine Messages ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished. ~~~~~ Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? ~~~~~ Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets. ~~~~~ Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. ~~~~~ Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back. ~~~~~ You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message. ~~~~~ Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us. ======================================================================< "Oh dear! I've missed you so much!" said the sweet young thing, then she raised the revolver and tried again. ======================================================================< Oops! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A rather well built woman spent almost all of her vacation time sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. The first day she sunbathed, she wore a red bikini. However on the second day, she felt a little more adventurous. She slipped out of it in order to get an overall tan figuring that no one could see her way up there. She'd hardly began when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered, little assistant manager of the hotel. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday!" "What difference does it make?" she asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here on the roof and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "With all due respect, not exactly ma'am," said the embarrassed little man. "You are lying on the dining room skylight." ======================================================================< -What's the speed of dark? -Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? -Light travels faster than sound, that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? -It's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow -* How come wrong numbers are never busy? ** Does killing time damage eternity? ** Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips? ** Why is it that night falls but day breaks? ** Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand? ** Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? ** Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons? ** Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it? ** Do pilots take crash-courses? ** How do you write zero in Roman numerals? ** If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots? ** Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child? ** Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot? ** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour? ======================================================================< Last Day ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same houses. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love making he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you". I asked him what to give you and he said: "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea". ======================================================================< New Element Found! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Investigators have discovered the heaviest element known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named Administratium, chemical symbol AD. This new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number of zero. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons and 111 assistant vice neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. A force called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons, holds these 312 particles together. Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant neutrons exchange places. In fact, Administratium sample's mass will actually increase over time, since with each reorganization some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isotopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as the "Critical Morass." You will know it when you see it. ======================================================================< Easter for Blondes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Three blondes found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gate to heaven. St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter the gates of heaven you have to tell me what Easter is." The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we're thankful." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell. The second blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where we celebrate Jesus' birth and give each other presents." St. Peter said, "NO!" and banished her to hell too. The third blonde said, "I know what Easter is." St. Peter said, "OK then, tell me." She starts, "Easter is Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large boulder." St. Peter said, "Very good..." She adds, "Every year the Jews role away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow we have six more weeks of winter..." ======================================================================< (from Barbara Rosenberg) - Get Your Mind Out Of The Gutter ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as intercourse? 2). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k? 3). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you can't get one you can use your hands? 4). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it? 5). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat? 6). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married? 7). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of? 8). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t, one of which is a word for a woman? ANSWERS: 1. (talk) 2. (firetruck) 3. (fork) 4. (a twenty dollar bill) 5. (Almond Joy candy bar) 6. (lastname) 7. (legs) 8. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt) ======================================================================< - Women's English -- I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry. We need = I want. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later. We need to talk = I need to complain. Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to. I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains = and carpeting, furniture and wallpaper..... I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive How much do you love me? = I did something you're not going to like. I'll be ready in a minute = Sit down and find a good game on TV. Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful. You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me. Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead. Was that the baby? = Get out of bed and walk him until he's asleep. I'm not yelling! = I am yelling because I think this is important. The answer to "What's wrong?": The same old thing = Nothing Nothing = Everything Everything = My PMS is acting up Nothing really = It's just that you're such an asshole -- Men's English -- I'm hungry. = I'm hungry. I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy. I'm tired. = I'm tired. Do you want to see a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you. May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you Nice dress! = Nice cleavage! What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this. What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now? What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question. I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex? I love you. = Let's have sex now. I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now! Yes, I like your hair cut. = I liked it better before. Yes, I like your hair cut. = $50 and it doesn't look that much different! Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys. (while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home! I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I'm gay ======================================================================< If a bus station is where a bus stops and a train station is where a train stops. What is a work station doing on my desk ? ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Tom Sokolowski) - Busted ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is going down the line giving them all tickets. A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?" The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops." "Oh, that's nice, dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too." A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She looks him right in the eye and winks, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em." ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Dick Szeide) - Professional Quiz ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. Dont cheat. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way. 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight. 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional. 4. There is a river noted for its vicious crocodiles. How do you cross it? Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability. So... · If you answered four out of four questions correctly, you are a true professional. Wealth and success await you. · If you answered three out of four, you have some catching up to do but there's hope for you. · If you answered two out of four, consider a career as a hamburger flipper in a fast food joint. · If you answered one out of four, try selling some of your organs. It's the only way you will ever make any money. · If you answered none correctly, consider a career that does not require any higher mental functions at all, such as law or politics. ======================================================================< (from Aunt Marilyn Katz) - Genie in a Bottle ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A couple was golfing one day on an exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband said "Now be careful, honey, and don't knock out any windows, It'll cost us a fortune!" The wife tee'd up, and shanked it through a window on the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, and said "DAMN! I told you to be careful! Well, let's go apologize, and see about fixing it." They knocked on the door, and heard "Come in!" They opened the door and saw broken glass all over the place, and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man was standing in the middle of the room, smiling. He asked "Are you the people who broke the window with your golf ball?" The husband sheepishly replied "Uh, yeah, sorry about that." The man replies "No! Thank you! I'm a genie who's been trapped in that bottle for 284 years! Now that you've released me for good, I'm finally free! I have the power to grant three wishes, but since you didn't release me on purpose, I will divide the wishes evenly between the three of us. What would you like?" he motions to the husband. "Wow! Hmmmm. A million dollars a year for life ought to keep me plenty busy." "Done." says the genie. "And you, ma'am?" "Well," she says, slowly thinking aloud, "since he's got the money taken care of, I'd like a nice home on every continent of the world." "Done." says the genie. "And for my wish: I've been without a female companion for so long, I wish to indulge with your wife, sir." The couple looks at each other, stunned. The husband finally speaks. "Well, we did get all that money and those houses. I guess one time won't hurt." The genie takes the wife upstairs and ravages her for two hours. When it's all over, the genie asks the wife "How old is your husband?" "Thirty-five. Why do you ask?" "No kidding!! And he still believes in genies?" ======================================================================< (from Aunt Marilyn Katz) - Things To Do @ K-MART While The Spouse Is Taking His / Her Sweet Time ! 1. Get boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they don't realize it. 2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten-minute intervals throughout the day 3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the restrooms. 4. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in house wares," and see what happens. 5. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10." 6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift-wrap. 7. Put M&M's on layaway. 8. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas. 9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath. 10. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?" 11. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose. 12. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full- scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men. 13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon. 14. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti- depressants are. 15. Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restrooms 16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible." 17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. 18. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels. 19. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "Pick me! Pick me!!" 20. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!" 21. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it. 22. Go into the dressing room and yell real loud..."Hey, we're out of toilet paper in here!" ======================================================================< « Quelle est la différence entre la queue d'un chien et la cravate d'un boss?» « Réponse : La cravate de boss ne cache pas tout le trou d'cul. » ======================================================================< The Puzzled Blond One morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to start it." Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?" The blonde says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger." The blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. He then turns to her and says: "First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Now just relax, have a cup of coffee, and let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box." ======================================================================< On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push." In a veterinarian's waiting room, "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level. ======================================================================< Subject: A Cross-Border Joke A Canadian is having coffee and croissants, bread, butter & jam when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him. The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a Conversation. American: You Canada folk eat the whole bread? Canadian (in a bad mood): Of course. American (after blowing a huge bubble) We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada. The American has a smirk on his face. The Canadian listens in silence. The American persists: D'ya eat jelly with the bread? Canadian: Of course. American (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to Canada. The Canadian then asks: do you have sex in the States? American: Why of course we do, the American says with a big smirk. Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them? American: We throw them away, of course. Canadian: We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States. ======================================================================< GUESS WHO'S COMING TO DINNER? Mrs. Chauncey Ashley III telephoned the headquarters of the infantry near Great Oaks, her ancestral home. "This is Mrs. Chauncey Ashley the Third, and with Thanksgiving coming up, I thought it would be nice for us to invite some of the young soldiers to our holiday feast. We have enough space that we can easily seat ten young men." "That's very kind of you, Mrs. Ashley." "There's only one thing--I'm sure you understand: my husband and I prefer not to have any Jews...." "Madam, I quite understand." When her front doorbell rang on Thanksgiving Day, Mrs. Ashley, dressed to the nines, hurried to the door herself. She flung it open. "Welcome to Great--" She stopped, aghast. Under the great portico stood ten smiling black soldiers. "Omigod," gasped Mrs. Ashley. "There has been a terrible mistake!" The black sergeant said, "Oh no, ma'am. Captain Finkelstein NEVER makes a mistake." ======================================================================< A BLOODY NOSE A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in. "OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked. "Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a hungry frenzy. "Good," said the first bat tiredly, "Because I didn't!" ======================================================================< Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Jim Condon) - History 1001 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 2. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications) 3. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. 5. The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building. 6. The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the Pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the 50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards." 7. The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb. 9. The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, GP. 19. The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1. 24. In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined. 25. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as the "honeymoon." 26. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's." 27. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice. ======================================================================< LET ME COUNT THE WAYS (102) I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened one day: The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day and asked us how many positions did we know. I sat there too embarassed to speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve." The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium, "A hundred and one." The little professor looked over his thick glasses, but couldn't make out who had spoken. Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who replied, "Seven." And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one." Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me. At first she acted like she wasn't going to answer. Finally she said, "Only one sir." And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual. And what position would that be?" "With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied. And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!" ======================================================================< (from John Epler via Barry Merrill) - Finals ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A high school English teacher reminded her class of the final exam that would be given the following day. She told the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand." ======================================================================< On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued: "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" ======================================================================< Why is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a good hand, you don't need a partner. How is a woman like a condom? Both spend more time in your wallet than on your pecker. ======================================================================< John Cleese, the English comedian and actor, was recently asked on American TV what he thought the difference between the English and the Americans were. In reply, he said that there were three differences: 1. We speak English and you don't. 2. When we hold a World Championship for a particular sport, we invite teams from other countries. 3. When you meet the head of state in England, you only have to go down on one knee. ======================================================================< USAF MAINTENANCE REPORTS These are alledged to be some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews: Problem: "Left inside main tire almost needs replacement." Solution: "Almost replaced left inside main tire." Problem: "Test flight OK, except autoland very rough." Solution: "Autoland not installed on this aircraft." Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid." Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal." Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage." Problem: "The autopilot doesn't." Signed off: "IT DOES NOW." Problem: "Something loose in cockpit." Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit." Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear." Solution: "Evidence removed." Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud." Solution: "Volume set to more believable level." Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield." Solution: "Live bugs on order." Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent." Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground." Problem: "IFF inoperative." Solution: "IFF always inoperative in OFF mode." Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick." Solution: "That's what they're there for." Problem: "Number three engine missing." Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search." ======================================================================< DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GUY... Steve was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way as he had over 30 years in the company. Between his pension and the settlement, he was rather well off. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out. The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a rather young man who was fresh out of college with an MBA. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to have a better business acumen than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" To to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked and pleased at the same time, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?" The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fucking ears!" Thanks 46CCHI ======================================================================< SOME LIKE IT LONG One weekend, a husband was in the bathroom shaving when Bubba, a kid from around the neighborhood, come in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeded to pee in the toilet. Bubba was rather, well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband; he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen. He asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your schlong get that long? I couldn't help but notice." Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when the wife sat up, rubbing her eyes, and half-asleep asked, "Bubba, is that you?" Thanks Shlacks ======================================================================< A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain, if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right... I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked, "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell." ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Hank Levine via Barry Merrill) - Accidents Happen? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Jerry joined the Navy, with his good cousin Marcel Ledbetter, during WWII. After Radio Operator's School, Jerry ended up in Oceanside, California at Camp Pendleton, to go through amphibious warfare training with the Marines. At Christmas time, the base commanding general made the usual announcement to the community that anyone who would like to sponsor some poor lonely Leatherneck, far from home, for Christmas could call the base at a such-and-such telephone number. It was common for some folks in the Oceanside community to invite Marines into their home for Christmas dinner. One lady, obviously a rich transplant from the South, called the Marine Captain at the request number. In her finest, genuine, Southern drawl and aristocratic voice, she said "My husband and I are of above average means, being well blessed. We have the food to cook, facilities, and the servants to prepare the Christmas dinner. My husband and I would like to have eight Marines over for Christmas dinner. However, don't send ANY JEWS." At about 1100 on Christmas morning, an official Marine Corps van pulled into the expansive driveway in front of the very large home. Out stepped eight of the finest-looking, trim, polished, recruiting poster-quality Marines the Corps had to offer. ALL WERE BLACK. They walked to the front door and rang the bell. Our fine, white Southern Belle lady answered the door. When she opened it, she gasped. The Marine said, "Hello, Ma'am, we're here for Christmas dinner." With wide eyes and gaping mouth, she stammered, "But-but-but there must be a mistake. Something is wrong." The Marine continued, "We want to thank you Ma'am for inviting us over. It really means a lot since we can't be at home with our folks." She again stuttered, "But there's got to be a mistake!! The Captain made a mistake." One of the Marines in the back piped up, "No Ma'am, there's no mistake. Captain Goldberg NEVER makes a mistake." ======================================================================< (from Leilani Allen) - Vendor Lines Given to Customers 20. We're having a staff meeting now. I'll call you back tomorrow. 19. There must be something wrong with our phone system. 18. I tried to leave you a message, but your voice-mail system is very strange. 17. There is a bug in the installer. Run the scripts outside of it. 16. You should expect these kind of problems with a new product. 15. Reinstall the product. That will probably take care of it. 14. I'm still in training on that. Can I call you back in a few weeks after I've finished the class? 13. That's a known bug. Why are you bothering us about it? 12. I know what you need to do, but I'm not allowed to tell you. Have your consultant call me. 11. We are realigning our support centers. 10. I can only help you if you're on the most current release. 9. That was a different programmer who told you that. 8. You better e-mail the last eight months of logs. I need them before I can help you. 7. Who is the consultant working with you on this installation? 6. At this time, that feature is supported only in documentation. 5. You're not following proper support escalation procedures. I can't help you. 4. That's fixed in the next release. 3. They're going to ship a patch for that with the next release. 2. There's going to be a work-around for the next release. 1. Is it really important? I have basketball practice today. ======================================================================< (from Dave Marcus) - Punctuation ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An English professor wrote the words, "woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing." ======================================================================< Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty. There IS a code of Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed. The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room. An X above the number will indicate "in use." (Sample): | | | x | | | x | (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6 | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | are occupied.) ------------------------- You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at which stall you are to stand. Good luck! Easy Section 1.) | | x | | x | | | (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ --------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy instinctively knows this. =============================================================== 2.) | x | | | | | | (Urinal 1 occupied.) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 6 Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk of being next to someone who arrives later. ================================================================== Kind of tricky Section 3.) | | | | | | | (empty) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | -------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 or 6 You are tacitly saying, "I don't want anyone next to me." ================================================================== 4.) | | x | | x | | x | (2, 4 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 1 You're stuck being next to at least ONE guy, so you minimize the impact and get a wall on your left. NEVER go between TWO guys if you can help it. Exceptions to this are stadium restrooms where the herd thunders in. ================================================================== Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section 5.) | | x | | | x | x | (2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: __ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: 4 Believe it or not, 1 and 3 "couples" you with the guy in stall 2. And we wouldn't want THAT now, would we? This differs from question 4 in such a subtle way that the nuances cannot be explained. Suffice to say, only we men would understand! ================================================================== VERY tricky indeed Section 6.) | x | x | | | x | x | (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | ------------------------- Your choice: ___ ----------------------------------------------------------------- Correct answer: NONE! You go to the mirror and pretend to comb your hair or straighten a tie until the urinals "open up" a bit more. If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for pete's sake! ... use a doored stall. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals: •NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep it terse and unemotional. This ain't no clubhouse. •I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of anyone other than yourself. A touch of another's elbow is of the highest offense. •NO Singing. Period. •Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see you there. I will not look again". ======================================================================< THE VIEW An organization is like a tree full of monkeys... all on different limbs,... at different levels... some climbing up. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes. ======================================================================< A BETTER APPLE A man went into the U.S. Patent Office for a demonstration of his new invention. "What do you have to show me?" the officer asked. The inventor pulled a red apple from his pocket and handed it to the patent officer. Shaking his head, the patent officer informed the man that an apple is hardly a new invention. "You don't understand," the man said. "This is a special hybrid that I have developed myself. Take a bite out of it and tell me what you think." The patent officer, unsure but curious, took a bite out of the apple. "Big deal," he said, "it tastes like an apple." "Turn it around and take another bite," prompted the inventor. The officer took a bite out of other side and his expression turned to disbelief. "I don't believe it," he exclaimed, "it has the taste and texture of an orange!" The inventor threw the officer another apple, "Here, try this one." This time the officer claimed that it tasted like a peach. The inventor eagerly asked him to turn it around and take a bite out of the other side. The officer did so and was rewarded with the taste of banana! "This is a great invention. It's too bad that you can't make one that tastes like pussy!" The inventor smiled and reached into his bag, producing another apple. "Try it," he smiled. The officer took a bite. His face contorted horribly, "That tastes like shit!" The inventor just laughed and said, "Turn it around!" ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Sarah Whitaker) - The Jar and the Old Man ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow." The next day, the 85-year-old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the day he received it. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing." The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOUR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't open that damn jar! ======================================================================< A blond woman walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos." The blond then asks, "What does it do?" The clerk says "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." So she buys one. The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss, also a blond, asks, "What is that shiny object?" She replies "It's a thermos." He asks, "What does it do?" She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." He then asks, "What do you have in there?" "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle." ======================================================================< HE KNOWS > > Two couples, John & Mary, and Bill & Joan, were playing cards. > Bill accidentally dropped a card on the floor. As he reached down > to pick it up, he noticed that Mary is not wearing any underwear! > He turned beet red and hits his head on the table sitting back up. > Mary realized that he has seen her little surprise. A few minutes > later, when Bill is in the kitchen making fresh drinks for everybody, > Mary entered. "Did you like what you saw, Bill?" > Bill thought and said, "Yeah." > "Would you like some?" > "Sure," he answered. > "Okay, it will cost you $100. Be at my house Friday at 3:30. John > is working late." So on Friday, Bill went to Mary's house and they > consummated their deal. > Later that evening, John came home and immediately asked Mary if > Bill came by that day. Embarrassed, she said, "Yes, but he didn't > stay long!" > "I didn't expect him to stay long. Did he give you the money?" her > husband asked. > Mary, very alarmed, cried "What money?" > John, exasperated, said, "The $100. Did Bill give you the $100?" > "Yes, but I can explain," Mary stammered. > "No need to explain; I just want to make sure you got the money," > said John. > "But how did you know?" > John explained, "Because he came by my office this morning, asked > if he could borrow $100, and said he would return it to you this > afternoon." > > >Thanks Rocco A. Benedetto > ======================================================================< ----------------------------------------------------------- (from Ronald Visco) - Drinking All Night ----------------------------------------------------------- An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again." ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from CookiSJE) - Bottoms Up Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers: · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an complete fool. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember). · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named FRANZ. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. · WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. · WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear. · WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Judy Williams) - Revenge of the Blondes ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: "Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep. ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from Peter DeLucia) - Coin Toss ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The professor, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But, she says, I am rechecking my answers." ======================================================================< SEX: CHINESE STYLE A Chinese man arranged for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undressed, climbed into bed, and went at it. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and commenced a repeat performance. The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumped up, ran over to the window, took a deep breath, dove under the bed, climbed out the other side, jumped back into bed with the hooker and started again! The hooker is amazed at this sequence. During the fifth encounter, she decided to try it herself. When they are done she jumped up, went to the window and took a deep breath of fresh air, dove under the bed to find 4 other Chinese men. ======================================================================< (from Peter Delucia) - Top 20 Replies By Programmers When Their Programs Don't Work ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 20. "That's weird..." 19. "It's never done that before." 18. "It worked yesterday." 17. "How is that possible?" 16. "It must be a hardware problem." 15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?" 14. "There is something funky in your data." 13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!" 12. "You must have the wrong version." 11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence." 10. "I can't test everything." 9. "THIS can't be the source code of THAT." 8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested." 7. "Somebody must have changed my code." 6. "Did you check for a virus on your system." 5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?" 4. "You can't use that version on your system." 3. "Why do you want to do it that way?" 2. "Where were you when the program blew up?" And the Number One Reply by programmers when their programs don't work: 1. "I thought I fixed that." ======================================================================< It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages. ======================================================================< We, the unwilling, led by the unqualified, have been doing the unbelievable for so long, with so little, now attempt the impossible with nothing ! ======================================================================< White noise from SlackMon ! ======================================================================< ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (from OzWitch04) - Roulette ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger." This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will perform oral sex on you - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered: "One of them's a cannibal" ======================================================================< SUPER WHAM-BAM Superman was flying around, bored, looking for something to do. He happened to fly over Wonder Woman's house and noticed her bedroom window is open. He stopped for a glimpse and saw her lying on her bed naked. She was lying there, squirming around looking real hot. The Man of Steel, being only human, was getting turned on looking at her. He decided, what the hell, I can just fly in faster than a speeding bullet, give her the ole' in-out and be out of there before she even knows what hit her. After all, he was Superman. So, in he went, wham-bam and he was out of there. Wonder Woman, realizing something had happened, said, "What the hell was that?!" The invisible man said, "I don't know, but damn, my ass sore!" ======================================================================< A lire a l'endroit ou l'envers: Elu par cette crapule ======================================================================< Q: Que c'est il passe de special a 12H34 le 5 juin 78 R: 12345678 ======================================================================< Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them. ======================================================================< Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. ======================================================================< I ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK: * 12% Monday * 23% Tuesday * 40% Wednesday * 20% Thursday * 5% Friday ======================================================================< -Acronyms: PCMCIA: People Can't Remember Computer Industry Acronyms IBM: Inadequate But Marketable ======================================================================< -Startrek (Borgs): "We are C.A. Resistance is futile. You'll be assimilated! ======================================================================< -Funny icons: >'))<<<=< ~>')~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ['I'] ======================================================================< 2b or d4 that is the question: 2b in hex = 0010 1011 NOT 2b in hex = 1101 0100 = d4 Thus d4 = NOT 2b 2b or not 2b that is the question To be or not to be that is the question. ======================================================================<